Experiencing Grief in Childhood
Following the sudden passing of her father, Chloe Cooper felt isolated in her intense grief, believing she was alone in her experience. However, her younger brother Ethan harbored feelings of jealousy, thinking Chloe had spent more time with their father.
Child Bereavement UK estimates that approximately 46,300 children lose a parent annually in the UK, equating to about 127 each day.
Thirteen years after their father Anthony's death, Chloe and Ethan spoke candidly with their mother Cheryl about the loneliness they endured during childhood in the BBC Wales documentary Growing Up With Grief.
"The only adjective I have to describe grief is weird - it's really complex,"
said Chloe, from Aberdare, Rhondda Cynon Taf.
"I felt so lonely growing up and I thought I was the only person that was going through what I was going through.
"I grew up feeling like I couldn't talk about dad, death or grief - I didn't even know what to say and I think the people around me didn't know what to say either."
Their father Anthony died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 35 due to cardiac arrest, when Chloe was just 12 years old.
Reflecting on that life-altering moment, Chloe, now 25, recalls feeling unable to discuss her father and ultimately pretending that nothing had happened.
According to Child Bereavement UK, one in 29 children—at least one child in every classroom—has lost a parent or sibling.
Sadie James from the Sandy Bear bereavement charity explains that children may grieve multiple times for the same person as their understanding of loss evolves with age.
Chloe, currently residing in east London, remembers her desire to return to school quickly and to behave normally. She recalls classmates offering condolences, to which she would respond,
"What do you mean? I don't understand."
While teachers were supportive and provided space for grieving, Chloe believes the educational system was not adequately equipped to offer comprehensive support.
"We can't expect them [children] to know how to express how they feel.
"To give them the privilege of conversation and literacy and language around death and around grief is really important."
Upon reflection, Chloe recognizes that she did not speak about her grief because she either did not know how or was not ready to do so.
The impact was not only emotional but financial as well.
"I remember it being very sudden - you go from two incomes to one,"Chloe recalls.
The family had to sell their caravan, and Chloe contributed by teaching dance classes and working in the tuck shop at the youth club where her mother was employed.
"I was 12, and I think it makes you grow up quicker,"she added.
Additionally, Chloe took on responsibilities such as picking up her brother and preparing dinner.
Despite the challenges, support was present. From 2014 until the onset of the Covid pandemic, Anthony's friends organized an annual charity football match called the Cooper Cup to raise funds.
The proceeds from the Cooper Cup helped finance Ethan's driving license and additional A-Level tuition, as well as Chloe's university education.
"It had to come from loved-ones, friends and family, which is really sad,"Chloe lamented, noting the absence of formal assistance.
The loss profoundly affected Chloe's mother and brother as well.
Cheryl described her attempts to secure support for her children, which resulted only in receiving a leaflet explaining the process of bereavement.
She also had to relinquish her evening job at the youth club to care for her children full-time and subsequently obtained full-time employment to support the family.
Ethan, four years younger than Chloe, expressed that he felt he only knew "one side" of their father. He described the most difficult aspect of the loss as missing out on future experiences together.
"I've always been jealous you had more time with him… I still am,"he said to his sister.
Understanding How People Grieve
Grief manifests differently for each individual, though common patterns exist, according to Sadie James from Sandy Bear bereavement charity.
She explained that young children often struggle to comprehend death and may believe the deceased will return.
Older children, typically from age seven onwards, may feel isolated or experience jealousy toward peers who have not endured loss. Their grief can deepen as their understanding matures.
"I think you can grieve several times for the same person because your understanding changes,"Sadie said.
"So, often, we can discharge someone at seven - they may come back to the charity at 14, because they've got a new understanding of what grief means."
She advocates for memory activities and writing letters to loved ones as therapeutic tools,
"They'll never see it but it's therapeutic."
Sadie also emphasizes the importance of open conversations, encouraging adults not to fear causing tears, as grieving children want
"their special person to be remembered, and they want to have someone to talk to."
Chloe described her grief as ongoing and evolving, moving between denial and acceptance rather than following a linear progression.
She believes that losing someone at a young age forces accelerated maturity and a different perspective on life,
"It just puts everything into perspective."
Her grief intensifies when she contemplates her future, wishing her father could be part of it.
Despite the loss, Chloe expressed gratitude for the
"beautiful short time"they shared.
She honors her father's memory by sharing stories about him.
"My dad was a legend and would always be in the front row of every show,"Chloe said.
