Ben Cole-Edwards on Family Estrangement
Ben Cole-Edwards has not communicated with his mother for three years, describing their relationship as turbulent for most of his life. Now 30 years old, Ben is a trauma-informed coach with nearly 900,000 followers on TikTok who engage with his guidance.
High-profile family estrangements have attracted public attention, including those involving Harry and Meghan with the Royal family, Brooklyn Beckham, and Olympic swimmer Adam Peaty, who reportedly did not invite his parents to his wedding.
Research on family estrangement in the UK is limited, but a nationwide survey in the US involving 1,300 participants found that up to 27% of American adults had severed contact with a family member.
Ben has faced criticism online, including being called a "brat" for distancing himself from his mother to protect his mental health.
He noted that some social media users suggest that cutting contact with family members is becoming a trend; however, Ben asserts that estrangement is often a "last resort" for many individuals.
"Cutting off a parent is getting rid of that chance of being loved," Ben explained, reflecting on the universal desire for love rooted in one's inner child.
Initially, Ben believed his childhood was typical, but upon reflection, he recognizes it as emotionally unstable.
In 2020, while expecting his first child, Ben began to reevaluate his relationship with his mother, aspiring to be the best father possible. After observing persistent "patterns of behaviour," he chose to distance himself from her.
Ben began sharing his thoughts and feelings online in 2023.
"Every video I posted I had to take a deep dive into my life, and my own childhood and see why I do what I do, and why other people did what they did," Ben said. "I started speaking about things that no-one was, and it just blew up. It's changed my life... and I was just talking about me."
What started as parenting advice videos has evolved into a career, with Ben offering counselling sessions to clients worldwide.
He primarily works with individuals in their 20s and 30s, noting that 99.9% of his clients are already disconnected from their families, either physically or emotionally.
"But I have clients in their 70s who say 'how do I start living my life?'," he added.
Perspectives from Ben's Mother
Ben's mother, Nicola, denies being emotionally or physically abusive. As a single mother, she stated she ensured Ben had everything his peers had and described their relationship as "fantastic" until his late teens.
"I loved my son so much... I would have given my life for my son," Nicola said, adding that she was the one who cut contact after discovering Ben's social media account three years ago.
Expert Insights on Estrangement
Psychologist Dr Lucy Blake, who has researched family estrangement for over a decade, indicated that there is no evidence estrangement rates are increasing but acknowledged a significant shift in public dialogue.
Dr Blake said, "There is sometimes an idea on social media that people decide a relative is toxic or cut them out really easily, but in her experience, most people have thought about becoming estranged for some decades."
"What can make it feel like it's a trend is that it's such a common experience," she added. "And because it's so isolating, I can imagine social media is a real solace for people to say 'I have this experience too'."
Melissa's Experience with Estrangement
Melissa, from West Yorkshire, began sharing her estrangement story on social media and was surprised by the number of people who related to her experience.
"I thought it was a very rare thing to happen, I didn't know there were so many people out there who could relate to something I was saying," she said.
She ended contact with most of her biological family nearly six years ago.
"To cut contact is literally the final straw after years upon years of trying to be the person that they want you to be, trying to please them, being subjected to all of their behaviours," Melissa explained.
"Every single time I was around them it would leave me feeling so down and depressed, and just kind of at a loss as to what to do with myself," she added.
"I felt like my character, my personality, my looks, was always pointed out to me in a really negative way. They weren't bringing anything good to my life but I was hanging on so long to try and get the relationship I obviously needed."
Melissa credits therapy with helping her accept that she no longer needs answers.
Diagnosed with anxiety at age eight and depression at 14, she describes a sense of dissociation from her earlier life.
Despite sharing her story online, Melissa has faced criticism.
"Someone can watch one video of mine and assume I'm doing it for attention, they are not taking into consideration I've had 26 years of all of this trauma, all of this abuse I went through," she said.
"You wouldn't tolerate that kind of behaviour from a friendship, you wouldn't tolerate it from a work colleague, you wouldn't tolerate it from anyone. But because it's your family, there is so much importance put on that word, you're the bad one, because it's your family."
Melissa believes the focus should shift from questioning why someone does not speak to their family to understanding what caused them to walk away.
"The most important thing for me is that there are voices out there to help those who need it," she stated. "I would have benefited so much from having access to that when I was younger. I want to be that person who shouts for everybody, because there are so many people who don't have that voice yet."
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