Mother's Day Brings Mixed Emotions for Many
Mother's Day, observed in the UK today, evokes a spectrum of emotions for many individuals. For some, it is a time of joy and gratitude towards their mothers, while for others, it is marked by sorrow due to the loss of a loved one.
For families who have endured pregnancy or baby loss, the day can be especially poignant.
"You feel like a parent, but the world might not see you as a parent because your child's not here,"says Maddie Biggs, whose newborn son passed away in 2023.
"It's a whirlwind of emotions."
Understanding how to support someone who has experienced such a loss, including what to say or avoid saying, is crucial.
'Teddy's my son and I want to talk about him'
In September 2023, Maddie’s son Teddy was born prematurely at 29 weeks with a condition known as congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH).
"He had passed away at 28 minutes old. The doctor had come over and told us there was nothing more they could do,"Maddie recounted.
"Quite quickly, they had just wrapped him up in a blanket and passed him to me like it was the most natural thing in the world. And I'm grateful for that - he is my baby and straight away, I just felt like his mother, and I was his mother."
Following Teddy’s death, Maddie, who resides in Maldon, Essex, began sharing her experiences, emotions, and reflections on TikTok.
She received many supportive responses but also encountered criticism regarding her decision to share images and videos of Teddy.
"It's mostly people saying that I should be grieving in private, that this - it's too personal to be sharing,"she explained.
"You would speak about your grandparents or parents after they passed away and speak about memories and no one would bat an eyelid if you were, it's normal.
But as soon as it comes to baby loss, people think it's a taboo and you shouldn't speak about it. And that just doesn't sit right with me.
Teddy's my son and I want to talk about him, he's always included in my family so he should be seen and spoken about and remembered."
'A mixture of emotions'
Maddie describes navigating occasions such as Mother's Day, birthdays, and Christmas since Teddy’s passing as challenging.
"We always find that the lead up to these days are worse, because you see everything on socials, you get the emails, you see the adverts about the occasion coming up,"she said.
On special days, Maddie and her husband Michael visit the baby loss garden at Broomfield Hospital, where they spent time with Teddy in the Blossom Suite, supported by bereavement midwives.
The family continues to honor Teddy’s memory by lighting a candle for him each night and frequently reviewing photos and videos taken by the midwives.
In March, a few weeks before Mother's Day, Maddie and Michael welcomed their daughter Emmie. Maddie notes that Emmie's arrival
"definitely brought some light back into our lives again."
Regarding this Mother's Day, Maddie anticipates experiencing
"a mixture of emotions."
"Now Emmy's here, I'm so grateful I get to spend these special occasions with her, but it's always Teddy who made me a mum,"Maddie said.
"He'll always be so special in other ways - just as Emmy is special in her own ways.
She's kind of a sunshine in our lives again."
'Silence is harder than the wrong words'
Essex-based baby loss charity Little Wings of Hope emphasizes the importance of what to say and what to avoid saying when supporting someone who has experienced pregnancy or baby loss.
"One of the most powerful things that somebody can do within your life is simply acknowledge your baby - send a message,"said Leila Hobart, founder of the charity.
Leila established the charity after the death of her son Oscar, who was born at 23 weeks in 2023. The organization provides families with practical and emotional support, including support packs and bereavement breaks.
"We hear so often from parents who have felt that the silence is harder than hearing the wrong words,"Leila explained.
"If you've got a friend or somebody that you know and it's approaching Mother's Day that have lost a baby, acknowledge them.
Tell them you're thinking about them, because they will appreciate that more than you will ever know - even if they want to navigate it quietly without celebrating."
'Grief can be made worse'
Charity Tommy's addresses the profound pain of baby loss on days like Mother's Day through its "We See A Mum" campaign.
"Their grief is often made worse by the sense that no-one acknowledges or even remembers their loss, when the truth may be that people around them simply don't know what to say,"said Kate Davies, associate director of information and support at Tommy's.
"Tommy's We See A Mum campaign recognises every mum, wherever they find themselves on their pregnancy journey - including those who have not brought home a longed-for baby.
We've also created a conversation guide that helps those affected – as well as their family, friends and colleagues – to open up about pregnancy and baby loss.
We know that talking about experiences of loss can help enormously in reducing feelings of isolation and despair, as Maddie has shown through the extraordinary impact of her videos about losing baby Teddy."
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