Understanding Different Views on Money
We all perceive money differently, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. If you want your friends to understand your perspective, clear communication is essential.
I’m a university student with a steady part-time job, earning about $250 every two weeks. I have always been taught to manage my money carefully and save responsibly. My two closest friends are both unemployed by choice. Despite my efforts to help them apply for jobs, they have not pursued employment.
On weekends, I often go out drinking or partying, where I naturally spend money on alcohol, food, and Uber rides home. My friends frequently rely on me to cover expenses, promising to repay me, but they never do. When we find ourselves stranded in the city late at night, they depend on me for a ride home. This situation has become unfair and increasingly frustrating.
One friend comes from a wealthy family where money is given to her without needing to work, while the other comes from a financially unstable background. Although I value my friendships, I feel burdened by always spending my hard-earned money on them. I wouldn’t mind doing this occasionally or if they reciprocated, but neither is happening. Especially as a university student facing a cost-of-living crisis, my money is rightfully mine. What can I do about this?
Advice from Eleanor Gordon-Smith
Eleanor explains that money holds different meanings for different people.
"You see your hard-earned property, one of your friends hardly sees it, and the other might just see something you have more of than them."
This explains the varying attitudes toward fairness and spending money. They might all be interpreting money in distinct ways.
However, this situation might simply require clear communication. If you want someone to understand something they currently do not, you need to find a way to express it.
This doesn’t mean you have to say explicitly,
"I’m tired of spending my money when you don’t pay me back."You don’t need to make it an accusation. Instead, you can change your behavior. For example, you might choose not to use your phone to order an Uber. On the next outing, bring enough cash to cover only yourself and wait to see what happens. Alternatively, you could say you don’t have your card but can transfer money immediately if someone else pays the bill.
Money can serve as a form of non-verbal communication. As long as you don’t hand over your card, you don’t spend the money. By simply not paying, you can challenge the assumption that you will always cover costs. You may need to be comfortable with the silence that follows, resisting the urge to explain or offer solutions.
If your friends explicitly ask you to pay, you might have to respond clearly. Again, this doesn’t require accusations. You could adopt a consistent phrase such as,
"I can’t get this, I’m really saving at the moment."Repeat this regardless of their responses, like
"I’ll pay you back," "last time, honest."This approach distinguishes between deciding how to manage your money and negotiating about it.
When dealing with uncomfortable topics like money, we often hope others will realize the issue spontaneously without us pointing it out. However, this is rare. People seldom notice what we expect them to. You might face a necessary choice: is it more important that your friends understand you don’t want to keep paying for them, or that you avoid an uncomfortable conversation? You can quantify how much avoiding this discussion is worth to you—it’s exactly the amount you spend covering your friends. It seems that amount is already too high.
Money conflicts can escalate because money carries different meanings related to independence, generosity, fairness, and responsibility. Friendships can be damaged over money before differences in perspective are even recognized. Like any important message you want others to understand, your best strategy may be to communicate it directly.
