Junk Speech and Littering: A Parallel Problem
Junk speak, much like junk food, promotes verbal clutter. It stands as one of the most troubling aspects of life in Britain.
Residing in the countryside, I find the most aggravating issue to be the constant stream of litter tossed from car windows along the lane outside my home. This litter predominantly originates from junk food outlets, prompting a question: does consuming junk food cause antisocial behavior, or is it that antisocial individuals are drawn to junk food? Perhaps it is an unfortunate combination of both.
I personally abstain from eating junk food and never discard litter from my vehicle. QED. While I may engage in other forms of antisocial behavior, such as passing gas, these dissipate naturally and do not require cleanup by dog walkers or annoyed residents.
The Decline of Precise Language
What frustrates me most about British society is the trend toward imprecise and redundant speech. This disdain for careless language is inherited from my father, who disapproved of the transatlantic accent popular in the 1960s and 1970s, along with its now-obsolete vocabulary—expressions like
"hey, wow man, cool, far out, heavy, groovy etc".
Like my father, I received a classical humanist education that emphasized constructing sentences carefully and linking them into coherent thoughts. Today, however, a generic Thames corridor accent, heavily influenced by Essex, dominates. Glottal stops proliferate like Himalayan balsam along a beck’s banks. This trend contributes to the ongoing loss of regional dialects. As I might say in Norfolk dialect,
"Oi’m a proper vexed bout thaht, bor. Oi’d a rather be a hearin good ol Mardle, speakin pussnally*."
The Irritation of Modern Speech Patterns
The spread of the Essex accent does not entirely drive me mad. What truly annoys me is the habit of filling speech with delays and interpolations intended to make the speaker appear cool, relaxed, trendy, and modest.
On one occasion, I spoke to a sixth-form group where a bright young woman used the word
"like"so frequently that it took her five minutes to express what should have taken five seconds. The effect was both embarrassing and confusing. Afterwards, I privately urged her to stop.
Today, I find it difficult even to listen to Radio 4. The station no longer caters to my demographic; it has been restructured for younger listeners who frequently use
"like". For fluent speakers such as myself, it feels akin to being repeatedly struck on the head with a foam rubber mallet wielded by a stoned Barbary ape. I sometimes wonder if this junk speech correlates with junk food consumption and rural littering.
The Problem with Fillers Like 'Like'
"Like"may be the most irritating of grammatical fillers, occurring even more often than
"um"and
"er", but it is not the only one. I would genuinely like (like) to sort of (like) render speechless all those who (sort of like) believe it is cool to kind of sort of waste everyone’s time with their (like) meaningless chatter. And stuff. And shit.
* Hatred of pointless words. It’s Greek. Don’t look it up; I made it up myself. I think it might be useful.
* Mardle is the dialect of Norfolk.
Louis de Bernières’s fourth novel, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, became a worldwide bestseller in 1994.
